Am I lost, or just less found on the straight or roundabout of the wrong way?
I have to come to terms with myself. I have a problem and its killing me.
Some days back, I was in church and the pastor said we should write our problems on a piece of paper, lift them up to God and trust Him to solve it. It was my umpteenth time of scribbling this word. I wrote it so fast, folded the paper so that the guy sitting next to me who had been staring at me since the service began won’t see what I have been fighting with for almost 10 years. As I lifted my ‘unholy, polluted hands’ to God, a tear dropped on my shirt..it was my shame..I am pretty messed up and my heart prayed for the whatever time…”Father, please, help me”
Months after that prayer, I’m back in my pool of mud. Its awesome when you have to blame the devil for your mistakes but its funny how we forget he never forced us to do it..he just presented an idea and we did the rest. I have to be sincere this time around. The devil didn’t do this..I did and its all on me.
if the flesh I fight was at best only light and momentary, then of course I’ll feel nude when to where I’m destined I’m compared.
Sometime in 2002
The book just sat there on his bed.
It had a boring cover. It didn’t look like it wanted to be read but I reached for it. The stories were boring until I stumbled upon a page that described what those people were doing against a wall that night(see..First Time episode for further details). The book even described more. So, I read the page over and over again but something didn’t feel right.
Breeze go blow,
fawoulChicken nyanshbum bum buttocks go open!!!
If person tell me sey na like this my career go take end I for no believe…I dey tell you.
I woke up this morning to see that my laptop was shut down. That’s supposed to be a good thing shebi? But No o!!! it is not a good thing. In fact who was the over sabi that came to shut it down? People sef!!!
See what happened o..
After going for weeks without engaging in porn, I slipped last night. I had just subscribed and I was excited about going online. I was done with my online work!!! Next thing I started checking out random stuffs. Next thing I was seeing funny pictures. Next thing I started getting ideas. Next thing…nah only me waka go there. I was just stuck.
I don’t know if you’ve ever avoided someone’s call because you are probably not ready for a long conversation; then, the person calls you with a different number and you pick and you realize it’s the person. Then, the gist got not necessarily interesting but perhaps more ‘entertaining’, for some minutes(or whatever duration the call lasts), you’re occupied, you are void of worries probably because the person is interesting or you are extremely bored and need an escape which the person is offering at that time or you probably fancy the person. Whatever reason/s you have, you tried to run but the person use ‘kornee’ (Nigerian pronunciation of Cunny)man sense to cash (catch) you. That’s the simple explanation of an addiction. You try to run but somehow, in every angle, is a laid out trap and the faster you run, the closer you get to the trap. That’s what it feels like when you run alone.
So, I was ‘storghed on it honestlay‘ (its how an Ibadan man says ‘stuck on it honestly’). I just kept scrolling and scrolling until I slept off. Then, I woke up this morning with this horrible pang of guilt. The feeling worsened when I realized my system was shut. Someone shut down my laptop. Meaning someone went to my desktop menu and clicked on ‘shut down’. Meaning someone walked to my bedside and realized I slept off probably watching a movie and decided to help me shut it down. Meaning someone saw the ‘everything’ #sigh#.
First, I was ‘forming vex’ (pretending to be angry). It was as if my brain was taking time to boot. Then I realized what had happened. Someone had discovered what I had spent 10 years protecting. I wasn’t protecting it because I enjoyed it: I was protecting the image everyone had come to be familiar with..”Esther, the good christian girl with innocent eyes and a lovely smile”. Everyone thought I was naive and absolutely adorable and at this point of my life when I am a three times executive in fellowship which makes me a ‘senior mama’ in church, I couldn’t be more ashamed of myself. Its sha funny how much shame we feel when we are caught. It makes me wonder if we didn’t feel any shame at all while engaging in the act. Now, this point I am drowned by shame. In fact, shame and I have become one. I refused to get up from my bed..it felt like getting up will make the shame worse ( walk of shame). In my mind I could hear all sorts of curses; I hated myself more.
She walked into the room and I stammered while greeting her. She mumbled some words and I just literally died. The tears started flowing out. I was mad at God. Mad at myself. I had prayed times without number for God to take this away from me. I had begged Him to delete my memory. I had prayed for Amnesia. I had sworn, made vows never to go back to my ‘vomit’ again. I had promised to fight. But this moment has proven my failure. I have failed and instantly I felt good. Someone knows now. I can die in peace. Every minutes increased my ‘shame level’. Every time she walked pass me, my temperature rose. It was like I was glued to the bed. I just laid there and wept. I need help.
This moment contains all moments.
As I wept, my friend walked in. She saw me crying and even if she had issues she was handling this morning, she walked up to me, sat by my bedside, placed her hands on my shoulder and said “Esther, what happened?” I couldn’t stand one more person judging me this morning so I wiped my face, looked the other way and said ” I’m fine”. She refused to go. She sat there and waited for like 5 mins. She tapped me again and said ‘its 5 minutes and you’ve not smiled. Esther, what’s the problem?’ I was just tired of everything so I took a pen and wrote
“IF I TELL YOU, YOU WILL JUDGE ME”.
She took the pen from my hand and wrote back ”TRY me” .
So, I told her about my struggle. How words became pictures. How still pictures became clips, then videos and how much I needed to let go and move on..start afresh on a clean slate. She wrote back and told me stuffs she never told anyone and how I wasn’t alone and didn’t have to be. While I read her words, my mum called. I hesitated..I didn’t have to handle so much this morning..but Mfon is just Mfon; she wouldn’t stop calling till your battery dies and when it does, she will call your friend till her battery dies and the entire humans on the planet till their batteries die then she will trek from Lagos to Benin just to tell me she just called to ask if I have eaten. So, she kept calling and my friend said “Maybe you should do as your ringtone says” and she left.
Mfon called again and I just laid there and listened to the words of the ringtone..
“Its time for healing. Time to move on. Its time to fix whats been broken too long. Time to make right what has been wrong. Its time to find my way to where I belong.. Time for a milestone, time to begin again..reevaluate who I really am.Time to face up, clean this old house. Time to breathe in and let everything out. That I wanted to say for so many years. Time to release all my held back tears..”
And I picked the call and said, “Mum, I need to talk to you” and my dramatic mum said ” What is it? You had sex last night?” (lmao)…I laughed for a second and said ‘No,I’ve been watching people have sex for years now’ and she yelled ” O my God!!’…The tears welled again.
Thank you for stopping by today. Please come around again as I share tips on how I overcame this addiction and how I have made myself available to others who are going through similar struggles and other struggles. I totally understand what it feels like to have an addiction and I have made myself vulnerable by coming out (you know how tongues wag) and also available to help others.
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