I have been here before.
Whispered the same prayers with the same level of sincerity..or probably a deeper, more desperate heart.
I stood this long..even longer than I did the last time on a different ground.
I have had tears in my eyes; my short fingers interlocked tightly as if reciting the Lord’s prayers and expecting; desperately expecting an immediate ‘shaking’ in the heavens and a loud cry and possibly thunder and lightning and rain and a sudden sunrise-signs that my prayers have been heard and answered.
I have sung songs; gotten down on my knees, whispered words till words had no meaning; till all I could say was nothing. I had nothing to say anymore than my heart; whether it was heavy or light, I found no word to describe the persisting chaos beneath my almost multiple colored skin.
I have been here before.
So, today, when I came back to the beginning like a life chain cycle, I said nothing. Although, I stood, I had no tears, I sang no song, I just stood.
Then, I whispered “please, Father, show me the secret of not running round in circles because I’m pretty sure I would stand and talk and cry and sing and wait and wait and wait and still be lost. So, please. teach how to never go back.” And I was silent.While the entire earth’s population yelled “Happy New year!!!!” I whispered “I’m waiting.”
He didn’t talk back…at least, I didn’t hear what I wanted to hear. I only heard “I love you”. I sighed. It’s been a while someone told me that and sincerely meant it.
He knew that one of the reasons I ran to Him every time was when I felt I had been hurt by a man who was supposed to prevent me from being hurt. Or when I felt I had a problem or was lost or was confused or attracted the wrong guys or didn’t know what step to take or if I was making the wrong decision or why something didn’t feel right or I felt I was not good enough or less or undeserving of love or had to work to earn love. My greatest cry for help had to do with my ‘problems’ with humans-specifically, the male gender.
I knew He wasn’t deaf..neither was He anything like a snub.
He’ll answer me.
So,I waited and waited and waited until He whispered answers in bits.
I said : It’s the way he looked at me.
He made me feel wanted.
NO, not like a child wanted a new toy.
Or like a dog wanted bones.
It was the gaze of desire. He said “be my woman. nothing more. It’s all I have room for.”
I like to be desired. I am a woman. But I needed more than one room because, I had for him, more rooms than was enough for one.
So, I laid upon His bosom and said “Is it wrong to be desired? To actually desire that his desires are actualized?”
He said: No child.
Every woman wants to be wanted.
But you…you my child deserves a lover that looks at you like maybe you are magic-be cause you are.
Every woman brings the magic..
With the sway of her hips.
The flush of her cheeks.
The dance of her eye lashes.
The swell of her chest.
The tango of her lips.
The flash of her teeth.
The sound of her voice.
Every woman brings the magic; and you, my child are no exception.
So, I told the earth; fully aware of the magic I bring. I yelled till the earth echoed back to me..” I deserve a lover who looks at me like maybe I am magic because I am”. And the earth yelled back ” I deserve a lover who looks at me like maybe I am magic because I am”.
Whether a rebel hears it or not..because I know there would always be that black sheep(chuckles), I now know the importance of me. If I settled for less, it wouldn’t be because He never gave me an answer.
He smiled and He said “The next question”
And I said “Can I tell one woman this today?”
He said “Yes. Yes child but also tell her it’s more than ”awwwws” and ”whaos”. I said she is magic and that is all she is. Every woman deserves that lover and she is no exception. And tell her I love her too.”
So, this is how I intend to begin this year. We’ve all been hurt. We’ve all had that one person who truly hurt us. We’ve all had that one guy who made promises that never saw the light of day. We’ve all had sad stories. We’ve prayed bad prayers for some people. Me, personally, I’ve called an average of 15 guys ‘asshole’ in one year (let me not lie because God is watching.) But, people will always be people and no matter how hard you try, you can never force a child to understand certain things like veneration and conception and responsibility. Some people…in fact, some adults are like that. They do not understand what it means to handle the magic of a woman or the wonders of a bearded or unbearded man ( whatever that means). You can’t blame them because you are magic and not everyone can handle magic.
Therefore, stop crying and doing whatever it is you’ve been doing.
Dust yourself up.
Clean up…and walk with your head held high.
You are magic baby and keep telling yourself that till you are fully convinced (whether you are convinced or not, you are magic..o pari!)
Happy New Year Loves and a happy birthday to my friend and sister for God knows how many ears and counting.. Ilo aka.Dr. Philie..I love you much honey..you are magic and a gift to us. You can stalk her at www.peoplewhoroll.blogspot.com…she’s as amazing as her glasses…real, she is a doctor…coach of life!!!!
I’m sorta kinda off the radar. My phone is bad, so I’ll be or I’ve even been off social media for a while till The Lord makes something happen in the form of a new phone#sigh#