My Father’s Concubine

I was my father’s evil.

If that would make him stay;

I would be his evil.

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It wasn’t my inability to stay in love with you that scared me

It was the distrust in my ability to stay by your side – only by you.

I had learnt too early to run away;

To crave the smell of another just because…

 

My father was my hero.

He knew  how to time travel while sitting next to mother.

He would laugh at jokes he knew she would say in the future.

Her weakness tickled him.

I often wondered how he did it.

How could a man’s heart be so cold?

I wanted to be like him.

 

I got on my knees for him.

I prayed for him.

One night I whispered these words into God’s ears “Let the evil that men do live with them”

And I said “Amen” with clenched teeth and fist.

I was my father’s evil.

If that would make him stay;

I would be his evil.

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You see,

I wear my mother’s face-

Pitiful, innocent,hungry for love, seemingly happy.

But, I have  my father’s heart-

Cold, lonely, distant, somewhat beautiful.

That way I can hold on to them at the same time.

 

His name was my favorite word.

‘Father’ was the most beautiful word in my world.

My world that was filled with aches.

Aches caused by breeding hope.

Hope that rose every time he walked away.

For that reason alone I hated; I still hate goodbyes.

He never hesitated to  bid me goodbye.

I never said goodbye because, of all the existing words in this planet and beyond;

Of all the words that could come to life when spoken into existence,

‘Goodbye’ was my least favorite.

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By his graveside, the pastor asked me to tell everyone what my father’s life taught me.

Reluctantly, I said

“Dearly beloved, if you ever find one person who offers the purest form of love to you,

Expecting nothing in return,

Seize that love.

Squash it.

Smile at that person and hurt them real bad”

 

I  was my father’s favorite person to hurt.

And I learnt too early how to be like him.

So the next time you see me running in and out of your heart;

Please, remember I am my father’s daughter.

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